The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
