Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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