There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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