...so i touched it.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
