You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
