First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Randomize