I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
