Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
