Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I just googled if crying burns calories
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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