I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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