I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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