I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
this just has baby written all over it
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
