I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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