I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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