Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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