I'm drive I can fine osifer
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize