And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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