woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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