shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
