There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Who died my cat blue again?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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