I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
