U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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