you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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