a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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