I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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