Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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