i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
