I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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