I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
