Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize