Since when is my name a synonym for head?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize