Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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