Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
