Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
