Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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