My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Who died my cat blue again?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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