I just threw up on my dentist
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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