I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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