I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize