U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Randomize
