no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
