Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize