I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
