I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize