During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
