I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize