so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
