Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
