he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
