Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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