Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
