I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Randomize
