Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
