If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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