if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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