Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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