I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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