Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
