how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
