everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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