i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
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