I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
