I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
