you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
