It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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